See No evil
by wolflets
Summary: long story short...sams blind daniels mute and jack cant hear. all three are stalked by magic monkeys, daniels especially likes using him as as a walking toilet. AHEM tealc is captured by evil thing. lotta whumping involved for all. PLEASE REVIEW!
1. greetings

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil.

"Okay SG1, you have a go." General Hammond said into the speaker. Jack O'Neill looked briefly up at the General before muttering "Ya sure you betcha." Teal'c, eyebrow raised in a style only he could manage stepped through the glittering event horizon, soon followed by Doctor Daniel Jackson and Major Samantha Carter, belatedly accompanied by a long suffering O'Neill. '_Trees._' He thought. '_I bet they'll be lots of trees_' it never really occurred to him the logistics of why trees with their life giving oxygen were so important to human existence on these planets.

On the other side of the gate, Teal'c came sailing through, managed a somersault and smacked straight into a large rock, a good thirty feet high. Briefly dazed, he didn't even have time to move out of the way before Daniel came flying through at the same trajectory as he himself. Daniel performed a wonderful forward roll (ruined only by his flailing arms) before rolling into Teal'c. Thankfully, (for some at least) he acted as a cushion for the archaeologist, saving him from injury before the mission had even started. Their mission? To examine the 'rocks' as Jack so lovingly named them, search for any viable technology to trade and to collect the MALP which had 'apparantly' gotten lost and wasn't responding to remote control.

Teal'c with his eyebrow raised in the fashion that clearly states concern for a team-mate and distain for being used as a landing mat, proceeded to try to help Daniel up, but not before yet another of their team-mates exited the wormhole at such a velocity to appear to be a zooming, airborne blur. Sam came crashing into both Daniel and Teal'c using both of them as a pillow, causing all three to impact into the large engraved stone. By now Teal'c was wondering whether a.) Next time he should step through the stargate last, b.) He should bother getting up at all seeing as the other two may dampen the weight of Jack and c.) How heavy Jack REALLY was.

But before Sam could even apologise to the other two, Jack O'Neill made his presence known with a loud yell and an amazing flying twist that a gymnast would have been proud of…until his 'dismount' at least. The result of his landing prompted groans from Sam, Daniel and Teal' c, who now wished he didn't know the answer to the last question.

"Well campers, is everyone okay?" questioned O'Neill.

"Gawd how much do you weigh Jack?"

"Yes Sir"

"Indeed"

Were the responses he received and he smiled at each of their quirks "So, Carter, any ideas on why we exited the wormhole so fast?"

"Well, theoretically speaking sir, ordinary neutral matter could be treated as a collection of electromagnetically interacting polarizable particles made of charged point-mass subparticles, but if you…"

"AAAH! Carter, forget it. " Sam looked genuinely puzzled at this point and Jack could barely contain a grin. Jack looked around, disappointed by the copious amount of trees he spotted. Grumbling, he muttered "Ack. More trees. Can't we go to one nice planet that isn't covered in trees? Bah." This moaning was generally mandatory from Jack and the others accepted it without comment. "Right. Who wants to go find the MALP?". Daniel looked up properly for the first time at the large rock, and after adjusting his glasses was fascinated to see three stone carved monkeys, each sitting on top of each other. The top one shielding his eyes, the second one holding his paws over his ears and the third one covering his mouth.

"Guys, I think these are a representation of the tree wise monkeys."

"Yeah Daniel. Swell. Come on space monkey. Move it."

"Ha Ha. Very funny Jack. Seriously though, I think we should check these out. Find out whether they link to the seventeenth century equivalent on earth. I…it would indicate that the…the inhabitants were from the…Jack you're not even listening"

Too true were his words.

"Okay, Teal'c you take point."

Teal'c already started off in the direction of the wood. Jack was second, Carter third. Daniel who was interested in the big rock hesitated for a few seconds until O'Neill exclaimed that the rock wasn't about to go anywhere. To that Daniel replied something along the lines of that being the problem with the MALP too.

"I didn't think MALPs were supposed to explore that far away from the stargate anyway" grumbled Daniel

"They're not." Replied Sam, matter of factly.

"Oh. So why did this one and where is it?"

"Well if we knew that, then it wouldn't be a search and retrieve would it?" replied Jack, somewhat harsher than he intended it to come across as.

"So, how do we know where it is then?"

"Oh, we've been working on developing the tracking device for better remote control response." Said Carter, somewhat bored with the conversation.

Teal'c meanwhile watched the exchange with mild interest. He was more interested in the strange feeling he had been getting since their arrival on the planet.

The slogged on for five clicks through the undergrowth when suddenly a small rustling caught their attention. To the casual observer, there would have been no obvious change in demeanour from the group, yet Daniel who was lagging behind noticed Jack tense slightly and Sam grip her P-90 tighter. Teal'c slowed to allow Jack to take point and to cover Daniels six, his staff weapon loosely acting as a walking stick. Suddenly swarms natives rushed them, each pointing some ugly looking spears. Their apparent leader cried

"See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil"

"What?" O'Neill replied

Four spears was thrown at the team, which Daniel murmured were meant as a warning but O'Neill didn't quite understand it that way, seeing as how the fourth one struck him in his thigh. Deciding it had now become a hostile situation , Jack grabbed for his zat and started firing wildly into the array of strangers, Sam followed suit. Teal'c swung his trusty staff weapon around, in a figure of eight gesture and adequately incapacitated several oncoming natives. Daniel fumbled around for his, and after much delay was firing with the rest. The remaining natives that hadn't been struck fell back and took up a safer position from which to throw their spears at the group from a greater distance. Spears zoomed past Jack's body; he ducked and dived like he was playing dodge ball. One stabbed Daniel in the shin and another barrelled into Sam's shoulder. Surprisingly Teal'c, who had the greatest surface area as he was the largest, remained unscathed and continued to calmly fire into the hedge line.

"RETREAT!" Roared Colonel O'Neill and his group fell back into the shadows of the trees.


	2. punish the evil ones

**Chapter Two.**

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them (sigh) and I make no money out of this. (another sigh)

**Authors Notes: **come on guys, review me! This is my first fic and I need your opinion 

They continued running blindly into the forest, footfalls heavy and breathing labored, but before they got far the ground collapsed around them. They fell into a craftily placed trap that consumed the team and left no cushioning except for themselves. A very small part of Teal'c was quite relieved that he was the last to drop into the pit as he didn't have to go through the labours of being a crash mat for the others. Again. This time Jack got the short straw.

"Carter, got any bright ideas about how to get us out of this one then, eh?" joked O'Neill.

"Sorry sir."

"Is everyone alright? It seems like this planet has a death wish against me, excuse the cliché."

Sam tried hard not to smile at his awful use of humour and Daniel audibly sighed. Teal'c was just Teal'c, possibly with a higher eyebrow than usual though.

"Sam, need a little help there?" asked Daniel pointing to the broken, jagged part of the spear protruding from her shoulder

"Ill do yours if you do mine!"

Daniel waggled his eyebrows and gently grabbed hold of spearhead.

Sam let out a small hiss as Daniel pulled it out and she returned the favour.

Jack on the other hand had only suffered a glancing blow. Removing his pack he handed out the emergency medical supplies and after a few minutes all were bandaged up.

"Carter? how's your shoulder? Danny you ok?"

"I will live."

"Just peachy Jack."

Just as they were getting acquainted with their new surroundings, the natives that had been chasing them caught up with them. The leader started shouting as before, but this time it was in a different language.

"å stor leder, vær så snill og gi på oss Deres velgjørenhet og straff disse ondet dummy."

"Hey, Danny boy, whats he saying?" whispered Jack in a state of slight emergency.

"That's interesting." Murmured Daniel, seemingly fascinated with the leader.

"Kindly inform us WHAT'S INTERESTING?" yelled back Jack.

"It seems that the language they are speaking is like the typical Norwegian language, which is strange considering that the giant artefact outside the gate is from Japanese origin"

"Well that's just super, but WHAT are they saying?"

"If my translation is correct, then he just said something to the equivalent that we are all really screwed."

"Why, Daniel?" questioned Sam

"Well, I caught the words 'punish' and 'evil ones" and something tells me they might mean us."


	3. what a great day

**Chapter 3.**

**Disclaimer: **Bah, humbug. I don't own them (darn it)

**Author's notes:** I live for reviews so PURLEASE review! Or I may have to resort to whining/ moaning/stamping my foot. You get the picture…I really appreciate any ideas you may have and your opinion on how this is going so far: )

I cannot write in Norwegian, so probably from now onwards I may just do ((English words masquerading as Norwegian go here)) to indicate their language. Zwahahaha!

Okayyy...Now back to the story :)

"Oh great. Just great. My day just keeps getting better and better. How am I evil anyway?" whined Jack. "I'm not even annoying!"

The rest of the team remained silent. Teal'c raised his eyebrow and it almost disappeared into his gold emblem of the false god Apophis.

Teal'c thought of his whining. Sam thought of his sarcasm. Daniel thought of how he always called his precious artifacts 'rocks'

"OK. Maybe a smidgen" allowed Jack.

However, their bickering was caught short as suddenly a blinding flash of light came from seemingly nowhere at the top of the pit and a loud screeching sounded. Daniel, Sam, Teal'c and Jack held their heads in pain and fell to the floor unconscious.

Well, well, well. What do we have here? questioned a young female around her early twenties, (if you were to guess). She wore a long red robe made of silk Her dark black hair cascaded out behind her and her skin was so pale it was tinged with blue

((Oh great and wonderful master Vadjra)) … complimented the leader of the tribe of natives,

((Thank you for bestowing on us your benevolence and company)) he now bent to the floor intent on kissing her feet, but she kicked out and caught him round the jaw. ((I do not tolerate being interrupted unless you have good cause, and NEVER touch me again, or it will be more than just your teeth you lose, do you understand?)) The native leader, otherwise known as Uri, looked up with frightened eyes at his God, instinctively holding his hand to his mouth, and saw the vengeful, eyes of a God. The glowing vengeful eyes of a God.

((Leave me!)) shouted Vadjra, looking down at the unconscious form of the four team-mates. The natives almost tripped over each other in their frenzy to escape their angry God and soon disappeared into the shadows. Vadjra looked down at them and grinned obscenely, her smile so wide it showed all the top of her teeth and the skin stretched so far that it began to tear.

Teal'c was the first to awaken, stiffening slightly as he became aware of his surroundings; a hard wooden table with a very angry Gould peering over at him.

"De er en forræder til Deres gud" announced Vadjra. Teal'c didn't answer and once she saw he didn't understand , Vadjra reverted to English.

"You are a TRAITOR TO YOUR GOD" she yelled, releasing some of her pent up frustration. Teal'c remained stoic and replied, "False God." This only served to infuriate her further and so she backhanded him. "It does not matter though. Your genetic makeup protects you from 'mimai, kikumai and hanasumai', so you will just have to watch your friends suffer instead.

Teal'cs stomach churned at the last comment although he showed no outward emotion. Vadjra uncovered her pale arm from underneath her robe and revealed a strange gouald device, long and silver with two stones that wrapped around her arm. She pressed one button and a flash of light, quite similar to the earlier flash of light filled the room. Teal'c squinted and when the light died down he was able to see his comrades on the floor, quite out of it. Teal'c mused about how O'Neill still managed to have a pissed off look on his face even in a state of unconsciousness.

"beskyttere" Yelled Vadjra and soon five guards stormed into the room, so Teal'c assumed it must have meant guards, although languages were Daniel's forte.

"Vekk dem" Three of the Guards held them down and the other two started kicking Sam, Daniel and Jack until they woke up, struggling and yelling. Then they stopped and backed away.

"So. You come to invade my planet with your machines and troops,"

Dainel immediately interrupted "We're just peaceful explorers from Earth and my name is…"

"Your name is unimportant. What is important is that you interrupted your God. For this you will pay dearly.

She looked upwards and started muttering "Jeg påkaller de tre vise apekattene gjøre deres verst"

Daniel screamed, a hollow sharp cry, grabbing at his throat wildly. He started choking and spluttering uncontrollably. Jack lunged at Vadjra, intent on stopping her from continuing whatever she was doing to Daniel but several Guards quickly intervened, one firing a staff weapon at Jack's thigh. " Oh God, why the thigh? Can't you have variety in your lifestyle?"

"Stop It!" Yelled Sam, also grappling with the guards, who just laughed.

Vadjra replied "Don't worry, your time will come yet."

Daniel started turning an interesting shade of blue and was it not such a dire situation, Jack would have likened him to a smurf.

Daniel fell to the floor, still clutching at his throat, until suddenly, whatever had been so painful released its grip on him and he looked around and saw Sam.

"Are you ok?" She questioned carefully

Daniel looked back at her and opened his mouth…but nothing came out. He tried again, nothing. He tried shouting and the silence was deafening. Frantic he looked around at the team but they were out of ideas.

Vadjra smiled demonically and glanced at the other two. Now you know my intentions, ive always thought it rude to keep someone waiting, so on with the show. Carter looked about to protest, but suddenly found herself in excruciating pain. It felt as though her eyes were on fire and she vaguely realised someone was screaming nearby. Sam vainly tried to shake off whatever was overtaking her sight and suddenly realised that the screaming was coming from herself. Her eyes clouded with tears and her vision began to mist over. "Colonel, Teal'c, Daniel?"

She staggered around and heard laughter through her haze of pain.

As soon as the pain had come, it began to subside and blinked her now useless eyes in disbelief. Blind painc overtook her and she fell over something hard and sharp.

"Carter, stay still." Ordered Jack, to which she reluctantly obeyed.

Suddenly Daniel had a brainwave. The three wise monkeys, one couldn't hear, another couldn't see and the third couldn't talk. (Ah. Small Problem…) The third monkey was himself. Daniel wondered how he was going to be able to communicate this information with the others without the use of his voice. One of his most prized possessions, but he figured the overused cliché was right. 'You don't know what you got 'till its gone.'

"Aww crud" muttered Jack, guessing what was about to happen now…

**More authors notes:** I figured 'the native leader' had gone without a name for long enough…and you don't know how annoying tying out 'the native leader' repeatedly really is!

**Yet more authors notes: **Well, I hope you liked my cliffhanger, feedback REALLY appreciated, so I know what you think! part four soon(er or later depending on whether I get feedback. Hint hint…)


	4. charades

**Chapter 4**

**Disclaimer: **as the name suggests I am "disclaiming" them. Therefore, I don't own them. rolls eyes. and although I would like to, obviously I don't. simple.

**Authors notes: **Hey everybody. This is my first fic, I am inexperienced in the wonders of fan fiction, having only discovered it the best part of a week ago. Please be kind! (and maybe constructive). I'm sure others have probably done variations on this theme, but I have yet to read them. Zwahahaha!

I love reviewers, so if you do (review I mean), I would be very grateful : ) If anyone has any ideas/pointers for a particular direction to take this in I would love to hear.

So, here it goes…

Jack knew it was coming, but it still didn't prepare him for the shock of pain, down every nerve ending, surging its way back to his ears. Pain erupted in that one spot and amassed there. He grabbed his ears as though they were about to fall off and pressed tightly together, cringing and grunting. He fell to his knees and knew that the others were trying to get to him, but were not having much luck (Especially Sam, who was having trouble getting further than half a foot, due to the inconspicuous wall that happened to be right in front of her. )

He held his hands tighter over his ears and was surprised to feel a warm substance running across his hands. He soon identified it as blood. His blood. Suddenly feeling dizzy, his legs seemed to have a mind of their own and he ended up sitting completely on the floor, swaying slightly, possibly from vertigo and maybe from the sudden loss of blood, he wasn't really sure. Knives seemed to pierce his ear drums and sounds became muffled, fuzzy and distant the last thing he could hear was Sam saying "oowf, by dose!" and that was it. Silence. Screaming, roaring, deafening silence. Well, the deafening part was right at least. He was deaf. Brick like deafness. Jack pondered the issue that maybe it wouldn't make such a difference with Daniel at least, always babbling on about some new amazing rock that pointed to the idea that a civilization had been extinct…for a very long time. Sam. Now she got him lost after about two sentences of braniac babbling, and coupled with those glittering eyes… deep pools of emotion that stripped her down to her very soul. (Jack wondered whether he could strip down some other things too..NO! she's your second in command for crying out loud! Moving on…) And Teal'c, well he never really said anything much anyway. It was all in the eyebrow. O'Neill wondered what would happen if the Jaffa shaved his eyebrow off as an experiment. How could he show emotion? Blinking in rapid succession? Hmmm. He didn't think that was going to work somehow.

The pain had subsided enough for Jack to take in his surroundings a little more. Daniel was doing some sort of jig in the corner, Sam was blindly feeling around, a walking bomb and Teal'c was still strapped down with a murderous glare aimed solely at Vadjra.

Meanwhile she smiled at the mutinous looks and Daniel recoiled in horror at the sight of her grin, her lips cracked open at the teeth high up her gum were fanged, and Daniel started to seriously wonder if she was actually human at all or wearing the guise of a human for the benefit of the natives. As quickly as he had seen the mask slip, she changed and became the stunning beauty once again.

Hearing things crashing, Daniel swirled around to look at what was making all the noise and was surprised to see Sam, whimpering and sitting on the floor. He stepped towards her but the guards blocked him off.

Daniel tried to talk to her to direct her over to him but soon remembered why only silence issued from his mouth. He frantically started gesturing at Jack to grab Sam, as he was closer, but Jack misunderstood completely and replied somewhat tetchily "DANIEL, THIS IS NO TIME FOR CHARADES". Daniel sighed (silently) and looked towards the ceiling.

Vadjra gestured towards Sam at the two guards and commanded:

"føre henne her, scum"

Daniel desperately thought back to any books he had read as a child on the Norwegian language and loosely translated it as "Bring her here, scum"

Although he wasn't surprised at the lack of respect she had for her minions, he was however surprised at the openness of her antagonism.

Sam was roughly deposited at the side of Jack and Vadjra spoke: "Well, my experiment has just started. I will allow you in my compassionate state to take leave of this place and never return. But be warned, if you do I will not be so forgiving next time."

"What?" questioned Jack, desperately trying to lip-read what the Gouald had said.

"CAN…YOU…SPEAK….A…BIT…SLOWER…" stressed Jack, not fully realizing how loud he was speaking.

"Except for the Jaffa. He is now mine…"

**Authors Notes:** Wow. Yes, My foreign languages writing really is that bad. Oops. Oh well. I'm hoping that if I can't understand Norwegian, then no one else will be able to either. (Hehehe) Don't forget, review! Otherwise, I don't know whether I'm just sprouting a load of bull… : (


	5. chickens

**Chapter 5.**

**Dislaimer:** no claiming, no earning, me upset.

Thank you for the reviews I have had so far : ), I LURRVE reviews (you may have gathered by now) so if you have the time please review this chapter too : )

**Authors notes: **Soooooo… MORE STORY EH? ZWAHAHAHA! I actually came about writing this story because of e-bay, you see I have a strange obsession with cute fuzzy monkeys, so there I was looking for monkeys, and I saw a figurine of three monkeys, each covering a sense. And there you have it. (Sorry, keep going and I'll be telling you my whole life story…) So I looked up the Japanese history for this legend…and changed it a bit.

(evil grin)

I was writing this late last night when I suddenly discovered a bundle of coursework I had to do, so I'm sorry this one took longer than the others have been.

Chapter 5.

"What?" shouted Sam "You can't do that."

"Human," Vadjra said the word with much distaste, "I think you will find that I can do whatever I want to do."

Teal'c was looking distinctly uncomfortable at this point.

Jack looked hard at Vadjra, pinning her with a glare before speaking.

"DID SHE SAY SOMETHING ABOUT CHEESE?"

Daniel rolled his eyes and he and Sam moved in to attack Vadjra, or at least, Daniel moved in to defend Teal'c and Sam tootled off in the opposite direction. Soon realizing that trouble was brewing and Vadjra apparently hadn't said anything about cheese, Jack moved grab Sam's hand. She jumped, not expecting the contact and he pulled her gently, but firmly in the other direction. Sam realized that this calloused handed person was Jack by some innate sixth sense and relaxed into his grip. And she was glad of the support of his hand as a calming anchor. She also realized that he didn't let go either. A very small part of her was quite excited and her pulse involuntarily quickened, but then the rational part of her brain chalked it up to the fact that he was trying to help her because she was as blind as a bat and completely useless without her eyes.

Vadjra looked at Daniel with hate and amusement; she then pressed the stone on her wristband and aimed it at Daniel. A beam of light shot from her band and hit him full in the chest. He staggered and the beam continued firing at him. Jack yelled, "STOP!" although Carter wasn't sure whether that was because he couldn't hear how loud he was speaking or because of concern for Daniel. She put it down to a bit of both. Moaning slightly he fell to his knees and whimpered. Abruptly she stopped.

"I don't think you should try that again, human, or it wont just be you that suffers the consequences." Daniel decided he didn't like the idea of that so he also stopped, but if looks could kill…

Vadjra moved over to the wall and felt around like she was looking for a hidden wall. Suddenly she found what she was looking for and a small part of the wall opened up, revealing a lot of crystal stones. She picked one and replaced one of the stones in her wristband with this new jewel. It glowed temporarily and changed colour to a brick red. She then pressed that button and aimed it at the team. Jack instinctively held Sam closer to him and moved towards Daniel. They all glowed and then vanished into thin air. "Now you're all mine." Vadjra smirked at Teal'c. Teal'c was a little annoyed, a) had he trusted his instincts from the start, he would never have remained silent about his misgivings and b) now he was stuck with miss 'no sense of humour' my mouth wants to crack open and eat you

Vadjra. Needless to say, his day was definitely NOT going well. First of all, he had countless bruises from being used as a pillow, second of all, that kind of damaged his Jaffa pride thingy he had going on.

The team were temporarily disorientated as they found themselves by the stargate and with no equipment and feeling rather nauseous. Jack was the first to recover. "HEY GUYS, WHERES TEAL'C?" Even Sam was frustrated now and she had been completely blind to the whole event (literally)

Daniel started walking to the gate, but only made it a few steps before he had to vomit by a nearby purple flowery plant. Sam wrinkled her nose at the noise and Jack waved his hand in front of his mouth at the smell.

"WELL DANNY BOY, THAT'S THE LAST TIME YOU HAVE GOING HAVE CARROTS BEFORE GOING AWAY." Sam gagged at the mental picture Jack had created so expertly. Daniel shot back a look at Jack and he meekly shut up.

O'Neill seemed to know that Sam needed help, although she was too proud to admit it, and ambled over to her and gently gripped her arm. She allowed him to take the lead, and muttered thanks before realizing he couldn't hear her. (Then she started wondering what else she could say to him whilst being right next to him without him ever even knowing a thing…) They got to the gate and Daniel started waving his arms again. "WHAT NOW?" moaned Jack. He started to gesture at his forearm and it took Jack a while to think about what he was on about. Eventually he gave up. "CARTER. ANY IDEA WHY DANIEL IS WAVING HIS ARMS AROUND LIKE A JACKASS?" Daniel scowled, quite annoyed that he couldn't answer back any of Jack's little comments. The concentration was evident on her face. "Sir, if we are going to leave Teal'c alone here, I'm not suggesting we chicken out and leave him here, but I think we need to go and get back up. Also, I think Daniel was trying to get at the fact that none of us actually have a transmitter, so we cant dial earth without the huge possibility of being killed by the iris."

"I SAW THE WORDS CHICKEN CARTER. I DON'T REALLY THINK A CHICKEN IS GOING TO HELP US." Daniel decided to take matters into his own hands and after just managing to refrain from knocking Jack out, he started dialing the co ordinates for the alpha site.

"Daniel are you dialing the alpha site?"

Silence.

"Daniel two foot stamps for yes and one for no, ok?" Two foot stamps greeted her as an answer. Daniel was extremely frustrated by now. Of all the languages he could speak, he couldn't even communicate in simple English! The wormhole engaged and the three walked through. On the other side was a most surprising sight…


	6. empty

Chapter six.

Disclaimer: well, I bet you never saw this coming. Now, wait for it…I DON'T OWN THEM. (Oooh! Shock, horror)

Authors Notes. Wow. To be perfectly honest, I've never written anything this long before. And the support is really great, so, if you want me to keep writing, please keep reviewing! Im v. sorry I haven't written anything in a while, but ill try and make up for it. : )

On the other side of the gate was…nothing. No people, no sunlight (there again, they were underground, so there was hardly likely to be sunlight), nothing. It was dark and deserted and Daniel started to worry what had happened on Earth that meant that they would abandon the alpha site.

"Guys, whats going on" murmured Sam, worried that she couldn't hear any noise."

Daniel pointed and gestured at Sam to Jack and he soon got the message.

"CARTER, THERES NO ONE HERE. ZIPPO. ZILCH. NADA…"

"Okay, okay, I get the point." Scowled Sam.

However, of course Jack was oblivious to the interruption, although he knew exactly what she was moaning about. Hearing or no, that woman could get across most things with her demeanor.

"…ZIP, ZOT, DIDDLY SQUAT,ZERO…" by now Jack was running out of things to say, but the rest of his team had stopped listening a long time ago.

"…NOTHING AT ALL."

Daniel, being naturally curious, went to have a look around.

"WOAH, SPACEMONKEY, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOURE GOING?" yelled Jack.

Daniel of course couldn't answer, but came up with an idea, if he could find something to write down what he was thinking, then he could communicate with the rest of the team. He shuffled over to a cabinet and looked inside for some writing equipment.

Something pressed hard against the cabinet and just for a second he hesitated about whether he should open it or not. Readying himself for whatever could be in the cabinet, Daniel took a steadying breath and flung open the door. Before he could react, hundreds of thing fell on top of him. Heavy and sharp things. Daniel screwed his eyes shut tightly and tried to react, but they kept coming out of the cabinet. He writhed with the sudden weight and thrashed about madly, but the sharp objects were merciless.

Meanwhile, back at Vadjra's 'den', Teal'c was still strapped firmly down, but Vadjra had decided to punish Teal'c for his earlier misbehaviour.

"I have a table full of interesting looking instruments here that ive been dying to try out on somebody. My last 'guest' died at a most inconvenient time."

Teal'c decided that this was DEFINITELY not his day. He glanced over at what looked to be vaguely like a trolley for medical equipment, but with some gouald attachments. The trolley itself was covered in metallic objects, all of which looked very foreboding. Some of them even seemed to have a brown paint on. Then Teal'c realised that the reddish brown stuff wasn't paint. He wondered exactly if the 'guest' before him had had an acquaintance with these repulsive, daunting, abominable, sickening instruments of torture…

Back at the alpha base Daniel had finally stopped struggling and opened his eyes cautiously. Then he realised what the objects really were. Folders. Lots of folders, with sharp edges and copious amounts of paper in them. He relaxed and stretched out slightly. Suddenly he realised that he had been fighting with paper, and felt like an idiot. He quickly looked round to see a large smirk on Jacks face, only for a second or two, then quickly to be replaced by the hard soldier attitude.

"DANIEL, I THOUGHT THAT TO TACKLE SOME PAPERWORK WAS MEANT TO BE FIGURITIVELY SPEAKING ONLY."

Daniel glared at Jack and quickly brushed off the folders from on top of him and got up quickly, moving away from the scene of the crime.

Suddenly, the klaxons on the stargate went off. Jack was oblivious to this, but Daniel, used it as a good distraction. Sam on the other hand was shocked out of her wits, feeling very vulnerable and defenceless and she now wished really hard that the SGC had installed an iris on the alpha site too. Three small ripples glittered over the pool then, three figures appeared out of the Stargate …


	7. monkey business

Chapter 7.

Author's notes: howdy guys! Ahh exams are plentiful at the mo. So that is why my chapters have been few and far between : (

Anyway, on with the story…!

The three ripples soon became objects, or more precisely, animals. Three monkeys came bounding out of the stargate, and each made a beeline for one of the team. Daniel, who had a severe allergy to monkeys began sneezing violently, although silently. (Which is a very strange combination.) The largest monkey ran towards Jack and he tried to quickly reposition himself behind a desk, although to no avail, as the monkey decided to jump on the desk. Jack decided the next plan of campaign would be to run like hell. The monkey decided this was a game and chased him around the room. Daniel could not help smirking to see the hard assed colonel running away from a small animal. His own personal monkey decided at that point to slobber on him and that soon wiped the grin off his face.

Sam had the smallest monkey run towards her, and completely unexpected for the impact, fell to the floor, complete with monkey attached. She shrieked and tried to bat it away but it held her in a tight bear hug. (This was probably quite unusual, seeing as the monkey was a monkey not a bear. However, there again, this **was** a magical monkey, so, what do you really expect?)

Daniel was still trying to wipe away monkey spit when the monkey decided to infuriate him further and pee on him. He cringed and the nauseating smell of monkey spittle and urine permeated his senses. Looking down at his clothes, a big wet patch had appeared. He was not impressed. Jack came hobbling over, his monkey grabbing fiercely onto his leg and refusing to budge. Jack took one look at Daniel and sniffed the air, wrinkled up his nose and started laughing. Daniel now wished for the painful folders, just so he could cover his embarrassment.

Meanwhile, Teal'c was strapped to the table, his dried blood stuck him uncomfortably to his clothes and Vadjra was nowhere to be seen. The lights were out and he tried to wriggle out of his restraints, but to no avail. Suddenly a loud noise sounded that sounded horribly like a chainsaw. The reason Teal'c knew this was that Jack had insisted he have a look at some doohickeys other than the strange and impossible to figure out and oh so easy to break ones in Carter's lab. But mainly so he had the excuse to take Teal'c to find a decent new fishing rod in a gadget store.

Sam wandered over, her monkey leading her. Jack wondered if she knew it was a monkey or just thought it was one of the team helping her.

"CARTER, YOU DO REALISE THAT'S A MONKEY DON'T YOU?" Sam looked exasperated. "Jack, I'm blind, not deaf." "WHAT?" asked Jack. "Oh, forget it." O'Neill looked closely at Sam. "FORGET WHAT?" Carter rolled her eyes. Suddenly Sam smelt a strong scent that made her wrinkle her nose

"Guys what's that smell?" Daniel looked even more embarrassed if that was possible. On hearing no response, except for faint sniggering coming from Jack, having gathered what she was talking about, Sam changed the subject. "Has anyone found a remote transmitter?" Daniel stamped his foot twice, remembering from earlier her little communication attempt and how two stampings meant yes, whereas one meant no.

Sam smiled. "Okay, Daniel, Colonel, I propose that we go back through the gate with our new friends here, to earth and see if these sensory losses can be reversed."

"SAM, YOU WANT TO PROPOSE TO DANIEL!" Yelled Jack looking slightly concerned. Daniel laughed and pointed to the stargate and made little people gestures to show Sam's idea.

"OH." Was the reply they received complete with a huge blush from Jack. They walked up the ramp, each with their own monkey and Daniel pressed the symbols and transmitter numbers. They all walked up together and into the sparkling puddle…

Author's notes. OKAYYYYYYYYY, so whaddya think? Good bad ugly? Too long? Too short? Just right? I wanna know! Any ideas you'd like to see included in this story, I'll see what I can do : ) PLEASE review! Loadsa love Wolflets : )


	8. explanations

Chapter 8.

Authors Notes: OMG! Im so sorry I haven't written for so long, I am very bad at getting distracted, so I have forced myself to sit down and write some more, not that I don't enjoy writing this, but its so frustrating when I have so many ideas for where this could go and I don't know which one to stick down! As I have said before, any ideas would be greatly appreciated, as if there is a path you would like me to take, I'm easy. : ) Long story short, REVIEW!

Ps, to xandria, good question, all I can say is that all will (eventually) be revealed. Hehehehe!

Okay, you're probably bored to tears, and I cant really hand out a tissue ova the internet, so I will continue on with the story : )

The chainsaw noise got closer to him until it was almost at Teal'cs neck. He writhed and a sharp pain pierced his neck. He squirmed, but the pain got sharper and suddenly a hot burning feel began. The buzzing stopped, but the burning continued. He started fitting uncontrollably and then the laughing started. It was cruel, hard, and merciless. The burning got hotter until darkness started to crawl across the corners of his vision, specks amassing around the edges, taking him to a place of peace and silence, away from the pain of reality. Vadjra looked at the silent Jaffa in distaste; disappointed that the Jaffa had not only kept silent, but that he had passed out.

((take him to the holding cell)) she whispered, scarily quiet. The native that was closest recognized this warning sign and pushed the trolley Teal'c was on out of the room, unwilling to untie the Jaffa as he was heavy and exceedingly resilient.

STÅRGATE STÅRGATE STÅRGATE STÅRGATE

The six figures appeared on the other side of the stargate, looking decidedly worse for wear. Apparently, monkeys did not like large amounts of wormhole travel as soon Daniel found out. He started to wonder if his monkey just didn't like him as it proceeded to throw up over him. Sam's monkey still kept one paw firmly round her hand, leading her with care and attention. Jack looked enviously at her monkey as his decided to bite his ankle making him yell and try to shake it off. General Hammond came into the gateroom and wrinkled his nose at Daniel, looking quite worried.

"SG1, Where have you been?"

Receiving no answer from Jack he looked puzzled and turned to Daniel, who remained silent. Hammond was slightly annoyed now that the team were ignoring him and looked at Carter, who was staring intently at the floor.

"Major Carter, would you care to explain?"

"Wheres Teal'c?" He continued, before letting her reply.

"Whats wrong with you all?"

Sam sighed and looked up at where she perceived the General to be. He looked at her for a second, instinctively at her eyes and jumped at what he saw.

STÅRGATE STÅRGATE STÅRGATE STÅRGATE

Teal'c awoke to darkness. His neck felt stiff and as though someone had driven glass into it. Suddenly he heard a voice.

((leave me you stupid oaf))

Teal'c tried to speak and found he couldn't.

"What Jaffa? Trying to speak?" I think you'll find you can't. Your symbiot may manage to protect you from my preliminary probing, but even that cant stand up to the power of your God, Vadjra. You will be the fourth, Shizaru."

"No one can defeat me. Not even the Asguard!"

Teal'c raised his eyebrow at Vadjra in an attempt to ask what she meant.

"Thousands of years back I stole some of the Asguard's first worshippers from their homes, murdered the unworthy and took only those I perceived to be useful. They tried to track me down when they found out, but they couldn't. I used their worshippers as slaves yet they still worshipped Thor, thought he would save them. I used that belief against them.

He never came and so they started believing I was a God who had conquered Thor. Yet they can't seem to learn a language other than Norwegian. It was quite annoying at first; I didn't understand what they were saying at all."

Vadjra ran her fingernail up Teal'cs shoulder, aimlessly creating patterns.

"It took me months to discover even torture wouldn't change them, so I gave up and learnt it instead." I chose their people as the Asguard murdered my own in an attempt to right what was wrong with the universe. Quite rude if I may say so, considering they already worshipped me and my original guise. She indicated herself with one arm but Vadjra's nail started digging deeper into Teal'cs flesh and he tensed his arm involuntarily making her smile.

"Anyway, enough of an interlude. I did not think it was possible, yet it is."

Teal'c wondered what the heck Vadjra was on.

"You may be wondering why you can't see, or why you can't speak. You can still hear. FOR NOW. But it would be plain rude for you not to listen to me now wouldn't it? As I said before, you are the fourth. I suppose I'd better explain. You see your friends were the first three and you are the legendary fourth. I think you would translate it as do no evil?" I'm going to have fun and games with you, just you wait.


	9. stinky

Chapter 9.

Spoilers: Okay, I don't think this is really a spoiler, but considering certain characters are around, this story is set before heroes.

Hi, everyone who has been reading this, I apologise profusely for not updating sooner but I've been revising for exams/ doing exams/ running around the room madly panicking about my lack of German revision…(Actually my lack of any revision)… and then my computer decided it would be amusing to get a virus and stop working altogether. Pah.

Any reviews would be LOVED! I don't mind constructive critisicm, whatever you think TELL ME!

STÅRGATE STÅRGATE STÅRGATE STÅRGATE

(INFIRMARY)

"Well it looks like all roads lead to OZ" moaned Jack, playing with his yellow yoyo. Daniel raised his eyebrow, imitating Teal'c immensely. Jack noticed his scepticism and continued "I meant the infirmary."

"Yes Sir" sighed Sam

Jack, although completely deaf, picked up her meaning and sent a scowl in her direction before remembering that she couldn't see a thing and so it wouldn't matter anyway.

Daniel picked up the pen and paper he had been given and scribbled: at least those annoying monkeys were taken to a holding cell.

Jack squinted slightly at the paper and replied tetchily

"Mine was worse. I bet you don't have marks from where yours was gripping onto you so tightly."

Daniel scribbled back: at least yours didn't pee all over you.

At this point Jack had to hold back a laugh and instead let out a small snort. Daniel scowled at him and wrote : its not funny you know.

Jack smirked and said "is"

Daniel scribbled again and wrote: is not.

To this Jack simply nodded in a matter of fact way. Daniel pouted and rapped at his words loudly with his pen. At this point Sam interrupted.

"Daniel, cant you go get changed or something? It really smells in here!"

Daniel blushed furiously at this and sniffed the air slightly.

Janet Fraiser walked in the room, complete with an entourage of nurses, all either enthralled by the strange happenings of recently or wanting to get the latest gossip, or wanting to get close up with Daniel Jackson. Two of the younger female nurses sidled up to him and tried to flirt. That was until the scent of monkey urine wafted over to where they were standing. The one backed away quickly and the other ran off to wretch in the toilets. Janet looked disapprovingly at them both before saying,

Right, I want tests on each of them. She lowered her voice slightly and said, "First of all, I think you all need showers." She looked pointedly at Daniel. "Some more than others."

Jack sniggered again at this. Then realised the word 'test' had been in the sentence. His smile vanished and was replaced by a slight grimace.

"DOC, is this going to involve your WONDERFUL sharp pointy needles by any chance?" Grinned Jack.

"Well, I'm glad to see this has in no way impaired your wit colonel." Replied Janet.

"WHAT?" questioned Jack.

"Forget it." Jack squinted at her mouth as she said this, then replied,

"FORGET WHAT?"

Janet smiled slightly and shook her head.

"So, you guys wanna tell me what happened?"

STÅRGATE STÅRGATE STÅRGATE STÅRGATE

I know its kinda short but hopefully the next one will be longer (and wont take so long to write)


	10. oh how lovely the floor is

Thanks to Mandysg1 and Xandria for reviewing.

A/N: xandria, have fun with german, yeah it is kinda hard but don't do what I did and forget your book for the whole year. You only end up with a very pissed off teacher and lots of catching up to do. 

If you like it review, if you don't, why the hell are you still reading it?

Chapter 10.

After much poking and prodding, and one very frustrated doctor later, SG1 were still not allowed to leave the infirmary.

"Aww, come on doc, cant we go yet?" moaned Jack for the fifteenth time that hour. Janet was VERY glad she never knew Jack as a toddler.

"Colonel, I would like to keep you here under observation" growled Janet "As I have told you before.

O'Neill decided to have selective understanding at that point.

"So we can go then?" he piped up hopefully.

Janet turned around to look at him fully, just about to shout at him, but realized that wouldn't make any difference. It was the type of look that, if looks could kill, Colonel Jonathon 'Jack' O'Neill would most definitely be pushing up daises at that very moment.

He smiled meekly at her with what he hoped was a 'butter wouldn't melt' look and she sighed.

Deciding he'd had enough of the Napoleonic power monger and her needles and lights,

Jack got up and tried to sneak out. Drawing on his years of special ops stealth work he carefully got up and proceeded to creep slowly out of the infirmary. Daniel raised his eyebrow at what Jack was attempting to do and smirked.

Jack was oh so sure of his escape. What he didn't count on was tripping over his own laces, diving headfirst into a gurney creating a sickening crunch as his skull connected with metal and came to an abrupt halt with an 'oof'

Before he even had a chance to get up, Janet was looming over him, barking:

"COLONEL O'NEILL, GET BACK IN THAT BED RIGHT NOW!"

Making Sam jump and Daniel wince. With a dramatic sigh Jack looked up at her.

Remembering he was completely deaf, she decided to gesticulate in the direction of the bed instead. He rolled his eyes and stalked back in the direction of the other two. He managed several steps before taking a nosedive towards the floor. Blackness overtook him and the last thing he remembered was the floor being a lot closer than usual.

The next thing he saw was Janet's trusty penlight shining in his left eye.

"Mmmmm" she mumbled.

"Colonel, can you tell me what your name is?"

Jack looked blearily up at the two spinning Janet's before him and rubbed his eyes, before Janet remembered he couldn't hear her. Before she had a chance to think about what to do next, something was shoved under her nose. Looking down she saw Daniels hand holding out a pencil and paper. She gratefully accepted it before scrawling down her question.

'Colonel, what is your name?'

Holding it up in front of Jack O'Neill's face, she waited for a response.

"cigarette" he guessed. She looked puzzled

Pointing to the pad of paper she looked worriedly at him.

"I ndddd a cigaretttt." He clarified, speech slightly impaired.

Janet scribbled down

"Colonel, I didn't know you smoked"

"I dnnnn't." he slurred, blinking slowly

"oh."

Puzzled, Janet scribbled something else

'Colonel O'Neill, can you tell me where we are?'

Jack didn't actually answer this question, but looked around, somewhat blankly

"Okay, I think we should get you back to bed now Colonel, it looks like you have a concussion" she said gently.

Daniel sniggered at Jack's stupidity for managing not only to do the exact opposite to his intentions; now he would have to stay in the infirmary for even longer.


End file.
